Watching Carie's Vids

There is a girl I know. She makes videos, videos for the drama department She makes five-minute time capsules of times and places that only come around once: montages of clips, photos, scenes from the show, vignettes of silliness, dancing, bloopers, funny faces and craziness. Watching, I know I am seeing something unique to this world. I am honored at this glimpse into the lives of these young people, privileged to share that joy, to see them as they are, as they practice for who they will someday be. Watching, I know now what I will know twenty years from now: that these moments in life were...are...precious and sacred--holy moments, here in this temple we call the theatre, among the secret society known as the drama department.

In this video I see future theatre legend Sophia Russelberg talking about the exhilaration of her first show at G-C; I see Meredith in an Indian head-dress and a Paul Revere coat, take hops to the right and hops to the left; I see my son's beautiful eyes as he unveils his dry sense of humor. I see my team, Jayme and Hudson--and me, all within arm's reach of each other; I see Ellen's beautiful smile; I see The Lauren Prazeau, a freshman actress, being what I've raised her to be; I see Kyla in a beautifully unscripted moment, blowing a feather from her hand; I see the kids, my actors, hauntingly lit, in the glare of the spotlight; I see Lucas and Alex stealing the show; and the Cop, who earned my respect and admiration, mugging for the camera; I see the Irrepressibles--Evan and Cody; I see elegant Rachel smiling into the mirror; I see all four doors open at once; I see cutie Hailey, and Bri, Mary and Alexander, Portia, Rahel, Shelby, and Lucia, she of the 102 fever; I see kids thinking, processing, learning, internalizing; I see everyone pivot in the same direction all at the same time; I see a slap that had to have hurt; I see blue hair and yellow roses; I see so much unabashed joy and happiness that it's almost hard to take it all in. And I see me smiling. I'm smiling in all my clips. Who'd have thought? Smiling then, smiling still. I hear the message in the music, see it on young faces. Hold on to that feeling, kids. Don't stop believing.

Defying Gravity into the Sunrise

Oh. My. Gosh!!!

Who would have thought? Who would have thought it???? They were wonderful! They were tremendous! I wanted them to have a standing ovation, but people here don't generally know what that is... Lord knows, they deserved it. I think I danced all during the second act. I couldn't have been happier with them. My rookies, my babies, my lifelong children. I love them, love them, love them.

They sure didn't look like rookies to me. I couldn't be more proud of them.

So, this morning, I JUMPED out of bed, ready to meet them all at the box office and freely give out smiles and hugs and love... I drove into a gorgeous sunrise of pink and blue combed clouds, listening to "Defying Gravity" and I wanted my car to just take off into the air, like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang! And fly! I love my life and all is well in the theatre world when the show comes together.

Opening Night

It's opening night for my high school show. I should be feeling happy and excited. Instead, I want to just stay in bed. I think the show is okay, pretty good, excellent, really for what I started with and how it's turned out. But that's what I think.

But the people around me--the ones I count on for advice and support, the ones whose opinions I trust--they have nothing good to say about it. I guess I started that. I was so discouraged. I'd like to change my tune a little now and offer something positive to my actors. Lord knows for all the notes and criticism I've given them, they deserve it.

For some of them, tonight is their very first opening night. Exciting, wonderful. a THRILLING feeling. I feel sad that I don't feel happier. Feel like I've failed everyone involved. Feel like I've failed them for not loving them more. Failed them for leaving so much of the details (that may or may not get done at this late minute) up to others. Failed them for...for...caring too much? It's the caring too much that makes me cry when I get frustrated. I know they give that a negative interpretation...but I can't help it.

Well...let's see what the evening brings...
Break a leg, everyone.

Transformation

What happens? What makes it good? What is the difference between Monday night's rehearsal where I cried because I was SO discouraged....and tonight, where there were no emotive theatrics, and hope raised its weary head?

Yes, I know I'm overly emotional about stuff, but...I just...care. And maybe it's good to have things in your life that are worth crying over. I think so.

In any case, somehow, at least in my eyes (the ones that matter?), the show has gotten MUCH better. But...does it really GET better...or is it just that repeated viewings somehow subconsciously lower my expectations...alter my original vision, lower my standards for performance? Is it just that what I'm seeing is so beyond my recent expectations that it seems better than it really is?

I don't know. It's an interesting question. But what I do know is that...the show IS better. Timing, character, volume, delivery, the humor...most of these are suddenly THERE. Suddenly, I'm smiling. I'm seeing bursts of theatre beauty, moments of true entertainment. And I am PROUD of my 'rookies'.